Rubber Duckies
Hello everyone! This is V, Stuffed Zoo Acquisitioner extraordinaire–I’m coming to you live from the Trumpy-Lumpy swamp in the Stuffed Animal World.
I seem to have stumbled into the Stuffed Animal World’s equivalent of the mid-19th century. I am standing here next to a portrait artist who is commemorating an historic occasion. As the portrait artist is telling me, it’s “The Esteemed Professor Robert Quigley and company’s startling discovery of a magnificent gateway to the exotic and alluring human world.”
I think he has a talent for overstatement, particularly since the gateway was no more discovered by “The Esteemed Professor Robert Quigley” (who is, by the way, a rubber ducky in an explorer’s outfit) than was the cotton gin. The gateway was created by my technologically advanced quantum Stuffocator, designed by Stuffed Zoo owner and Resident Mad Scientist, Finn.
Professor Quigley waddles up to me after the portrait is completed. “I say, old chap,” he begins, “my plastic feathers are sore from remaining stationary for such an extraordinarily long time. And… what was your name again?”
“V,” I tell him.
“Oh yes, V. We’re going to have to get that changed you know. Won’t look good in the papers on Monday. Maybe you can be something grand, sensational, something such as ‘Lord Chesterfield of Lexingtonshire!’”
“Lexington? Isn’t that in Kentucky? I’ve never been to Kentucky, so I can’t possibly be ‘of Lexingtonshire.’”
“Poppycock and fiddlesticks! Lexingtonshire is a province of great Vegaschester. Now on we go Lord Chesterfield, and you all too,” he said, gesturing to the other rubber animals that looked at least somewhat like ducks. “Into the portal! Chop chop.”
“Now hold on a minute, Quigley. Have you asked your friends if they want to come or not?”
“Of COURSE not, Chesterfield,” he said. “I’m a famous explorer! A trendsetter! A trailblazer! Did they question me when I explained to them how absolutely scintillating it is to be a rubber ducky?” He didn’t even stop for breath before he answered his own question. “Why, no! They did not. And why should they? Simply following in my great webbed footsteps is more honor than most rubber animals can ever hope to achieve in their lifetimes.”
“Now hold on a minute, Quigley…”
“That’s Professor Robert Karabekian Quigley, Chest. I didn’t spend two weeks at the Princeford Doctoral School of Contemporary Windbaggery for nothing.”
“Now wait just one more minute,” I said. “You gave me this long name, and now you’ve whittled it down to “Chest,” whereas your name just keeps getting longer! Why not just cut to it and call me ‘C.’”
“As you wish, C. Now what did you want to say?”
“If you go through that portal, you’ll never be able to find your way back without my help.”
“I say, old bean, you’re fool of doom and gloom today. I can find my way back from anywhere!”
With that, Professor Quigley stepped into the portal to the Stuffed Zoo, and he and his friends were never seen in the Stuffed Animal World again. Of course, they’re currently having fun in the Stuffed Zoo Warehouse. Find them here!
-V (not C anymore, thank goodness)
