Stuffed Animals
Sherwood’s Forest – Tale of a New Stuffed Lion

“Greetings from Sherwood!”

At least, that’s what I like to say to people. Hi! I’m Sherwood the Shaggy Stuffed Lion, and I’m here with special permission from Finn to tell you about myself. Normally, he would never let a stuffed animal write a blog entry (he says to please ignore the case of Josephina the Stuffed Javelina, who simply hijacked the computer one day), but Finn says I’m a “special case.”

Here’s why I’m a “special case.”  I actually own a rather large forest, and I’m in a little bit of a pickle because it has recently been plagued by a swarm of radioactive cockroaches that happen to be labeled an endangered species.

Now, you may be wondering to yourself why the US government would afford protection to a species of cockroach that is not only hazardous to humans, but also is extremely aggressive, has ichor that could poison a whole city, and frequently hunts down the local wildlife for no apparent reason. The answer is fairly straightforward: They didn’t intend to. You see, in the early stages of this cockroach’s lifespan, it actually resembles a ridiculously cute seal.

Naturally, when animal rights activists heard about the existence of a new and rare species of “seal,” they rushed a bill through Congress which made it illegal for humans to pass within a quarter mile of these “seals” or their habitats. At the time, they were living in Alaska. They don’t tell you this on the news, but the reason Sarah Palin stepped down as governor of Alaska was actually because these seal/cockroaches now inhabit the capitol building in Juneau.

The reason I need to address everyone here is because my forest is being destroyed by these radioactive cockroaches who have legal protections that not even an Israeli ambassador with diplomatic immunity can overcome. I have already petitioned Congress to repeal the Seal Act of 2009, but by the time it actually happens, my forest may already be destroyed. I need you all to help me take action against these terrible swarms of cockroaches.

I’m not asking for a monetary donation, and I’m not asking you to fight them off with pitchforks. The only thing you need to do to help me liberate my forest from the clutches of radioactive insectoid doom is to mail your shoes to this address:

Cockroach Stomping Collective
111 Sherwood Dr.
Stuffington, AL 55555

We have a team of trained stuffed animal professionals waiting to receive your shoes. Since the law only says that *humans* cannot pass within 1/4 mile of these pests, our highly trained stuffed animal team will put on your shoes, and in the traditional manner, stomp out these irradiated insects!

Thank you for your support,

-Sherwood the Shaggy Stuffed Lion

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