Aquisitioner’s Entry 7: My First Stuffocation
“Your stuffocator learns from you. The more you use it according to the rules the more it anticipates your needs and is prepared to help.” Karl instructs. “If you try to do something that violates a rule it weakens your link and you need to rebuild it. Most of the rules are intuitive as long as you remember the prime rule: ‘Never do anything to harm an animal’.”
I look down at my stuffocator and notice something strange. The green button that I pushed to activate the grips was gone. The spot looked like solid metal. There was no sign that it had ever been there. “Karl, what happened to the green activation button?” I ask.
She laughs and says, “You don’t need it any more. You’ll find the stuffocator is continually adjusting itself to have just what you need when you need it. Kinda spooky at first. I’m so used to it now I forgot to mention it. Sorry.”
“Are you ready to stuffocate your first critter?” she asks. She has a big smile on her face and seems to be nearly as excited as me.
“Sure.” I say looking around. “Do I just walk around looking for an animal?”
| Karl laughs again, “No I brought a friend of mine. This is Patrick.” she says proudly as she produces a small fuzzy creature from her duffle bag. “We’re great friends. He’s been with me since my first mission. There’s been only one job he couldn’t join me on and boy did I miss him. Patrick is a prairie dog and he loves to be stuffocated. He practically begs me to stuffocate him; which, by the way, is against the rules… ‘No frivolous use of the stuffocator’.” she intones in an artificially official sounding voice. |  |
| Magic link to Patrick at the StuffedZoo.com |
“Good news Patrick, you get to be stuffocated again!” she says in a little kid’s voice as she holds Patrick up close to her face.
Then turning to me she explains, “Just like you will find stuffocating to be highly pleasurable, so do the animals. They’ve taken great pains to make sure that the animals are always treated with extreme care and respect. When an animal is stuffocated it has a sense of euphoria typically followed by a deep sleep. When they wake up they won’t remember being stuffocated. They just have a warm, happy feeling in their pleasure sensing synapses.”
“Patrick is a bit of an exception. You and your stuffocator will find an exception sometime too. An exception is an animal that desires to befriend you and you desire to befriend him. The stuffocator senses this shared feeling and creates a special stuffocation routine so that the animal’s memory of being stuffocated stays intact. Hence, Patrick.” she explains. “Once you stuffocate Patrick you will have a special bond with him just like you will with all the animals you stuffocate.”
“Patrick…rock!” Karl exclaims.
Amazingly Patrick races down the clearing to the rock at the far end and with a lot of effort scales his way to the top.
“Okay” Karl says “it’s time. Put your hands in the grips.”
I follow Karl’s instructions. The minute both of my hands are in position the stuffocator comes to life. It feels lighter. There’s a faint glowing halo around its exterior. Looking at the ball end I see swirling mist or steam boiling violently inside.
“Now slowly raise the stuffocator and point it at Patrick. Be prepared for a bit of a jolt.” says Karl.
Again I follow her instructions. Then, just as the stuffocator is pointed squarely at Patrick I hear a squeal of joy and I see 2 Patricks. One Patrick is still sitting on the rock looking adorably cute and cuddly. The second Patrick is being stretched like a rubber band. It starts a couple of inches from the first Patrick and the stretching accelerates all the way to the opening of the stuffocator. The minute it stretches into the stuffocator’s mouth the first Patrick instantly collapses into the second Patrick and they both end up as a single Patrick in the ball of the stuffocator. At that moment I feel a jolt in the stuffocator but surprisingly it jolts forward.
Patrick looks like he just finished a great roller coaster ride. The steam is gone and he is jumping around inside the ball on what appears to be an adrenaline high.
I have no idea how I look. Throughout the entire process my body tingled but my brain felt incredible. I was one with the universe. I felt a part of everything. It was a feeling of wholeness and completeness like I have never experienced or even imagined. There was some form of instantaneous communication that connected me to nature in a pure, raw form…I was hooked. I understood why Karl said this was the best job she had ever had.
Karl quietly says, “You okay?”
I nod. For some reason I can’t quite talk yet but Karl seems to understand. Over the next couple of minutes my world slowly collapses back to its normal state. Finally I say, “That was truly amazing! Thanks for teaching me.”
Karl smiles and says, “We better let Patrick out before he hurts himself. I think he experiences something similar to what you experience except that he is the experience. To let him out just let go of either grip and the stuffocator will do the rest.”
I realize that I’m still gripping the stuffocator very tightly. I feel reluctant to let go but I slowly release my right hand. As soon as it completely leaves the grip the ball hinges open and Patrick hops out. He looks like he’s ready to do it again. Shoot, so am I.
Karl must sense this because she says, “We better get going. You’re not use to stuffocating yet. It takes a lot out of your body until you’ve done it a while.”
“In about 40 minutes you’re gonna want a nap and there’s nothing that can stop it. I don’t want to have to drag you to the hut.” she says bending over and packing her duffle bag including Patrick.
“There are a few more things to learn but those can wait until dinner tonight.” she says. “You buying?” she asks with a big grin on her face.
Again, I just nod. Words feel so limiting.
We make our way back to the hut just in time. I’m exhausted.
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