Aquisitioner’s Entry 5: Stuffocators 101 - Guarding Your Bum
A beautiful tropical sunrise greeted us the next morning. I decided to lie in bed and enjoy the open door view to the beach. I hear what I presume to be Karl opening doors on the other side of the cabin and my mind does the internal debate. Do I get up and greet the day or stay and enjoy a few more leisurely minutes of rest? Rest wins. I feel constrained to my hammock by the relaxing view of the gentle waves hypnotically caressing the shore.
I must have dozed off again because there is a memory gap between that view of the beach and the explanation of the groan that woke me up as I hit the sand floor of the hut. Karl is shouting something.
Once again I feel at a disadvantage. World events are happening all around me and I am just a spectator. “What’s going on?” I ask. Karl turns to me looking much whiter than the normal shade of her tropical tan and says in a shaky voice, “I just stuffocated a sand cobra that was mid-flight for a strike. V, if it had bitten you we would not be having this conversation. I was sent to teach you the art of becoming an acquisitioner and to protect you in the process. I almost failed before we got started. I’m so so sorry.”
Karl seemed absolutely devastated. I was having a hard time making the person who picked me up from the airport the same person who was talking now. I also realized that she has her own “stuffocator” and that the clear ball at the end contained a moving being; presumably a sand cobra. “Thanks for saving my life…again!”, I said.
“What do you mean, again?” asked Karl
Smiling, I said, “Remember the root beer and food last night?”
That brought a smile to her face and she seemed to start to relax; meanwhile, I start piecing things together. So Karl is an acquisitioner. I should have understood this from her comments the other night but the old brain just wasn’t firing on all cylinders.
Her stuffocator looked very similar to mine. It was possibly a little bit shorter and clearly it had seen more use but other than that they appeared identical. “That yours?” I ask.
“Yes, remember how I said I got it six years ago? But this is just the first time I used it to save someone’s life. I wasn’t even sure it would work.” she shuddered.
“What do you mean, you weren’t ‘even sure it would work?’” I asked, starting to have a new appreciation for her fear.
“V, the thing you have to learn is that stuffocators are programmed with rules. You can’t just stuffocate anything. Each time I come back from a job they upload the latest rules into my stuffocator. Some of the new rules are created because they learn new properties about the stuffocator. Other rules are added because they are trying to protect you or the animals from dangerous situations. It’s just hard to imagine all the dangerous situations in advance so they are always patching in something new.” Karl said.
“Who is the ‘they’ you keep referring to?” I ask as I try to piece this all together.
Karl contemplates, “I’m not sure if I know exactly. As far as I can tell Finn works this gig with his mom and dad. There may be others in the picture too but Finn’s pretty quiet about it. He’s the only face you ever see.”
After a minute she adds, “It’s kinda weird, once you’ve stuffocated your first critter you’re so hooked by the experience those kind of details don’t seem to matter.”
Now I’m flooded with questions…What’s so special about stuffocating an animal? How long does it take to learn to stuffocate? How many animals has Karl stuffocated? When do I get to stuffocate my first animal?…but the question that comes out is, “Tell me about the rules?”
Karl hesitates, trying to figure out where to start, “Remember that paper you signed when you took the job?”
“You mean the one that said I promised never to hurt the animals, in 11 pages of fine print?” I ask sarcastically.
“That’s the one. It sounds like you did a little skimming. I did too, at least until I got back from my first job. You’re gonna want to read that a little more thoroughly when you get back. But the essence is…you’ll sacrifice yourself rather than purposely hurt an animal. The stuffocator is programmed with similar rules. If it sensed that the sand cobra would have been endangered for any reason then it would not have operated. Let’s just say your bottom would have left this world as a pin cushion to a beautiful specimen of the species sand cobra.” she said looking at the ground below the hammock.
“Let’s grab some breakfast and I’ll explain the stuffocator basics. After breakfast we’ll fit you to your stuffocator and start to practice. Now it’s my turn, I’m starved.” she flashed a huge smile and walked to the hut’s door.
Sponsored by: www.StuffedZoo.com
